My grandfather passed away.
I truly feel numb.
Maybe angry.
Maybe it is because we knew it was coming.
Maybe it was because he has been so sick and now he is no longer in pain.
Maybe it is because I never knew him.
You never took an active role in my life. MeMe forced you to be there when I was little. You never showed me any attention when I was a child. Once I was an adult you were there for the major events in my life. You saw me graduate from college. You saw me get married. I am truly happy that you made that step for me. The months before you died you enjoy me visiting you. You wanted the family together for Thanksgiving. Again at Christmas which we hadn't done since MeMe was alive. You took a step, but yet I feel like it was too little too late. It just doesn't feel like it was enough when I see and hear all the things you did with and for my cousins. Everyone else that you were there for that wasn't your blood. You treated my father and grandmother like shit for years. My dad gives you forgiveness. I am grateful that you reached out to my dad and gave him a little of what he should have had for years.
In the end I hurt for those you left behind and what I never had with you. I cry. I feel remorse. I feel pain. Pain that now there will never be a chance to know you or have a special memory of you. My memory is the last thing you said to me... shush.
Well I am shushed.
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1 comment:
I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry you never got to really know and enjoy him while he was alive too. My dad's father died a couple of years ago and I felt wretched, because I honestly had no emotion about it at all. He was never around. Never came to important events. He just wasn't there. I didn't know him much at all. I felt awful because felt like I should have felt something for him. I didn't. You can't help not having feelings for what you don't know.
Coincidentally, a good thing actually came out of his passing. My own dad decided he needed to be a part in our lives, even though he lives 2,000 miles away. For that, I am happy because I've actually got a good relationship with my dad now.
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